Due to recent events.
I have learned that you never know what can happen in your life or your loved ones lives for that matter.
Over the past few weeks I have tried to look for the good in this tragedy that my family (I consider the Huysers my family as well because they have treated me as nothing less and I am truly lucky) has gone through. More importantly, I have tried to look for the good in what I have felt during these past few weeks.
I will tell you that as I write this I have learned a very powerful lesson in the past few weeks and it is something that I have read multiple times by a very bright, loving and beautiful young woman that I had the pleasure of meeting. That saying is this: "Although I have had a lot of shit happen in my life, I consider myself blessed to live the one I have." -Kelly Huyser
I have said and done some things that I am not proud of; as I am sure we all have. I think from now on I am going to be a different person and I am going to make sure that I never have to ever worry about anything that anyone ever thinks of me any longer because I have lots of regrets on different aspects of my being and the way that I had chosen to leave things with some of the people that I love the most in my life. I have learned that no matter what is said or felt about someone that you love; you better make damn sure that they still know how much you love them before you part ways because the truth is you can never be sure when you are ever going to see or speak to that person ever again.
In my case, I heard her voice at 11:00 AM on November 28, 2011 and I will never be able to hear her voice ever again. And sadly, I heard it in the background of a different conversation with my dad who I have been trying desperately to put things behind us that have caused us to drift from one another over the last 11 years. I will never get to change the way that I left things with her. But I tell her out loud all the time how much I love her and I am hoping that she forgives me because I am having a hard time living a life where all I can think about is how we left things with one another. I hope she can hear me in heaven. From what I understand only the best ones get to hang out up there and I know that she is hanging out in the clouds.
She always said, "Have no regrets." I wish I would have listened to her because I would have just let this whole thing go and said whatever I could have to make it better rather than sticking to my stubborn self. It doesn't matter who was wrong or who was right at this point in time. But I will tell you this...If I could go back and say I am sorry for everything and call it water under the bridge I would. But I can't. However while in Tucson I did have a special person, who will remain nameless, tell me that he was approached by "The oldest of 3" and that one has said, "You have something 'heavy' on your mind and to let it go because if you don't it will destroy you." Some of you might think that sounds crazy but to me I am relieved.
I had forgotten that one of the things that I told her the most was how much I loved her. I know that she knows that now. It makes me feel much better that I was told that by what I would consider complete stranger who had no idea what I was doing in Tucson.
Since I have been in Arkansas I have really mellowed out a lot. I have learned that there is no reason to get mad about things that are out of your control or that don't matter. I have learned that you better be as nice as you can while you can because the last thing that you want people to remember is that you were an asshole. I was one for a long time to a lot of people. Some of you reading this may disagree and well, some of you may agree.
But I know that I have changed. Some people tell me that they can see that and others will continue to beat me up for things that I have done in the past. For those people who will continue to do so, I don't really have the want to try to change your mind about me because well, I can't. I will learn to let go of the things that I can't control.
I will no longer be that girl that just waits for things to get to the point where they are unfixable; if they need fixing I want to do it right away. I will also no longer allow the people in my life that bring me down the most by smashing my dreams to do so anymore. I am moving on with my life with my "chin up" like many of you have told me to do. So in the words of my dad: "I will because I can. And there isn't a damn thing you can do to stop me."
So my point is... I have learned life is too precious. Take your life and run...because if you don't then you will not have truly lived. I am blessed to have a family that loves me. I am blessed that I have loved, I am an Aunt, I have a dog that I consider my child, I have seen some of the most amazing things on this planet, I have a great career and a bright future, I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for even though we are all far apart I know now more than ever they are going to be there for me when I fall on my face, I have time ahead of me, but most of all I am blessed enough to have met some of the most extraordinary people anyone could ever be lucky enough to have encountered and I will hold them near and dear to my heart forever and ever.
"Life is too precious to worry about the stupid shit.
So have fun, get drunk and fall in love <3,
Say what you want to say,
Do what you want to do,
Regret nothing,
Don't let people who don't matter bring you down."
-Kelly Huyser 06/18/1988 - 11/28/11
You were so right baby girl. I love you. You're a butterfly and butterflies are free to fly...fly away...high away...bye bye.
The end.
