Like everyone else we packed up our "illegal" candy and headed to the theater. Nothing out of the ordinary, except as an American who is really feeling this economy I think it is outright preposterous that it costs $45 dollars for three people to go to the movies...and that doesn't even include the snacks that you buy once you get inside. I really feel bad for those high school boys that take girls out to movies now. They must have to save up their allowance for a very long time. Maybe that is why a lot of boys in that age group avoid having girlfriends until they have a job, because they can't afford it. And when we got the to snack bar, forget it. But us being the family that we are, we love to eat and be merry. Meaning that, aside from our illegal snack foods that we snuck into the theater via the infamous "spoon" bag. We really are what my dad calls: "Gluttons for punishment."
So we are standing at the counter and I take a picture of the menu in front of us because I realize that we have ordered probably the most death defying combo meal that they have. I mean literally, and I posted this one my facebook immediately because I am thinking to myself how the hell do we see the calories listed and not think twice about ordering something that could potentially feed our bodies for a day and a half. The combo consisted of two large sodas and a large popcorn that you can get a free refill on. Doesn't seem too bad right??? Except the calorie range on this amazing snack that happens to be the most popular which by the way high school boys that is also going to be an additional $19.50 plus tax to your already $30 date. Better close in on that prize and make sure that girl puts out dude. Just saying.
Alright, back to the calories. The calories are not just a set amount it is a range....and this is a massive range. It literally says calories: 950-3110. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? How do you have a 2000 calorie difference in this crap. A friend of mine says it could be the difference of Diet Coke vs. Regular Coke. So naturally, I ordered a Cherry Coke with my meal. Even better, when we got the popcorn we put extra badness on it and literally I could hear my arteries screaming "NOOO!!!!" But oh yes, I ate a lot of it. So I say, forget you 3110 calories...If I am gonna eat that many calories I am going to make it count.
So finally we make it into the theater. We sit down and after about two minutes we notice...the advertising is lacking. This is my specialty for those of you who have no idea what I do for a living...I advertise for attorneys. They are very particular about everything and so therefore, I am a "hag" when it comes to marketing. This "vicious cycle" as my dad puts it, of 30 second marketing was called "First Look." It kept playing over and over. So I decided to go out and mention it to the kids at the counter when I stepped out to smoke because Batman is a three hour movie...and there not a smoker on this planet would be okay with sitting in the theater, no matter how good of a movie, for three hours without wanting to scream. I was the hero when I came back for about 30 seconds and they magically added in another part of the loop. Only to go back to the original beginning of the first loop of advertising. Well played AMC worker. Well played. You have just pushed the rest of us over that edge of insanity and anxiety that we all were feeling about being in the theater to begin with after that tragic event last week.
Alright, now to the movie. I am not going to spoil anything for anyone so I am just going to say this...epic movie. I love you Batman. I want to have your tiny bat babies...because you are Christian Bale. Seriously though, if you haven't seen it you need to watch it in IMAX because it is amazing.
So during this epic event that I was witnessing along with everyone else in this giant awesomeness that is the IMAX there was one part of the movie and I mean only about 4 seconds of silence in a scene...now when I say this, there is no way in hell this person hasn't already seen this movie and just knew at what point the silence would occur. So imagine this...the stereo quality in this theater is so amazing that you literally couldn't hear anything other than the movie. Then, silence. Then this person decides to "rip some major ass" in the theater. WHO DOES THAT????
Almost immediately I look to my left past my dad's girlfriend at him to die laughing. Because I automatically assume that it was him. I know, shame on me. But he looks at me with this crazed look in his eye and we all start cracking up. I am not sure how no one else in this theater didn't hear that. I mean, there were a group of younger kids sitting behind us and they didn't hear it. Now I am fairly certain that Paramount spent a grip of money on sound effects and they didn't need any help with it. We are dying laughing at this point and I cannot believe that no one else heard this but us.
This just goes to show that our family talks about bowel movements way too much; that out of everyone in the theater that could have heard this epic event of flatulence, we did. I mean, this movie was so loud that you would think that this person would have just let it rip during the fight scenes or something. No. They waited until the perfect moment. And we were the only ones who reacted to it.
I am not even sure that I remember the majority of the 3 hours of Batman awesomeness. The only part I remember was the silence...then the interruption.
The moral of this story is...if you are going to spend $90 on a date with Batman, make sure that you remember that silence in the movie is golden. Unfortunately, this guy didn't believe in that rule. I mean, they have a rule that you have to silence your cell phone in the movie...why don't you have to silence your poop shoot?
The end.
