Afraid of Who?

So this morning it is raining. Which totally sucks because today is the day that my dad will have another major surgery. Now this one is definitely not as huge as the one he had that, after many hours of doctors screaming like they do on TV, thankfully saved his life. Considering the trauma our family has gone through it really hits home for me in a bad way.

I am afraid. It used to be that my dad would have surgery and it wasn't a big deal because he would come right home and be just fine. This time it is very different for me. I woke up this morning worried about coming downstairs. As a kid you never know when you are going to say "What will I do with my life if?" I know, I am always calling myself an old lady to everyone who asks but truthfully, I am 28. I have a long way ahead of me...unfortunately so it maybe a hard one much like everyone else that is living this life. But I think I feel like my path is harder because well...its mine. Today is going to be a day where I will be forced to deal with more emotions that I anticipated. Kidney surgery...the doctor does it all the time right? But it's different for me. The reason it is so different is my dad has been through so much in the last few months it scares me even if he gets a freaking cold anymore. I am just a giant train wreck over anything and everything that has to do with him or my mom for that matter anymore.

Weirdly so, I think that he thought the same thing about me when I was little. Kind of interesting that as we get older the roles reverse a little bit. As a parent you worry about every little cough, scratch, bruise and fever. Then as an adult your child worries about ever little cough, scratch, bruise and fever with you. This is what we are put on this Earth to do. To take care of the ones that are the closest to us. I will admit I haven't done a very good job of that but I think that I have changed as a person where all I want to do is make sure that my family is OK. Even when their feelings get hurt my first instinct is to protect them in anyway that I can. My little brother has told me that one of his most vivid memories of us when we were kids was me sticking up for him because one of my best friends as a child was mean to him. Sometimes my dad says that gets the best of me but truthfully it is because I love each of them that hard.

I guess the point of this rant is this... I am afraid of certain things in my life. Losing my family is one of them. But hopefully this doctor of his truly is right 100% and I will see my dad in just a few short hours and he will be finally at that point where his body is put back together. Cause I am afraid of all of these coughs, scratches, bruises and fevers.


The end.