Life is Hard.

Life is hard. Really hard. It's hard and scary and out of my control. That's the part that makes me the craziest - the fact that I cannot control the world or what happens to the people I love.

I have learned more in the last month about myself than I ever thought that I would. I have learned that no matter what I say or do I will never be looked at as someone who is nothing more than a child to some people in my life. Trust me when I tell you...that stings. Bad. I think that is why I keep failing at certain aspects in my life. Because the people I need to believe in me the most are always so skeptical of me.

Then I have learned that I love harder than anyone I know. Hard enough that whenever I think about the people that mean the most to me I want to break down inside. I long for that type of love one day. I think that even though I haven't lead the best life I still deserve for someone to love me the way I love. Which is hard. So far the only being that has been able to love me as hard as I love her is my dog. Weirdly so I think my dog loves me more than I love her if that is even possible. She would rather be touching me at any point in the day just to know that I am ok than just looking at me. She just wants to touch me because it gives her comfort. Like right now her head is literally buried between my thigh and the pillows on my bed and she is passed out. But she will sleep like this all night...even if just the tip of her ear is touching me she is still connected to me.

I have learned that I can let go of people. I don't need someone in my life that is a negative person. I'm good with that.

I have learned that everything happens for a reason. I mean everything. Especially the things that we as people would naturally view as crappy. I mean I am not sure if I believe in God. I never have been one that believes easily but I will say this...there has got to be a method to this madness. There is no way that we are supposed to fall on our faces this many times and still be able to get up.

I have also learned that considering what I have been through and experienced I am what I would consider an extremely lucky girl.

I am happy, I have a great family and I have amazing friends. I am just all around thankful for the people I have in my life.

Life is hard. Really hard. I'm just trying to not fall on my face anymore than necessary at this point.


The end.

Millions of Pieces

My heart feels that way right now. I mean, how could someone be such a train wreck that they had used me as a punching bag for all these years. I know all about you. I know that you lie about your degree in social work, I know that you lie to your husband because you have payday loans out, for the record those are illegal for military members and dependents to get, we are talking on a federal level, don't believe me? Google that shit. I know that you guy are broke minutes after you get paid twice a month because of all the notice cards from B of A. We have all gotten them before, I'm not a dummy. I know that you tell everyone that you are this holier than thou person and really you are a horrible person who is just a pathological liar.

You break my heart because I like to believe that I am a good person but you loved to break me down and tell me I was a bad person. Weirdly so, I don't feel bad about how we left things because I saved you guys! I moved there and saved you from having to pay thousands in child care and you have the nerve to tell me that I needed you? I had an awesome job, had an apartment, was never broke and I was happy in Scottsdale!!!! I was worse off when I moved to you and now I have to recover. Everything that you have ever said to me was never in my best interest now that I think about it. It was all for yours. You stole from me...how does all that make-up work out for you? And my make-up brushes? What about the rest of the stuff you went through in my room when I was gone? Did you sell any of it on eBay? Well now I am over you. I no longer have room for people such as yourself in my life.

So I say to all people who come into contact with you in the near future and now...be warned. She is not who you all think she is. She is a liar, a thief and a bad person in general.

This is me...being a grown up and telling you that you quite possibly could single handedly have turned my life in the wrong direction on multiple occasions. And what I am guilty of is that I let her.

I'm done with people like you. Good riddance to bad rubbish is what my Grandmother always says. I'll be damned if she isn't right every time I refer to one of her sayings.

I'm done ranting about you...I have wasted too much energy on this already.



The end.

Your Vote. Matters.

I just took a political views test and I really am a Liberal Republican. Or a Rockefeller Republican or a Moderate Republican...whatever you want to call me. So I have been right all these years about being part of the Moderate party. I don't sway one way or the other really just in between with conservative outlooks on somethings like business and the environment. As far as education goes I still believe that teachers should be some of the highest paid Americans because they teach our future and we as a country are in trouble so we need a stronger youth, but who am I? Just one vote amongst millions. Everything else I believe, we as people make our own decisions and should stick by those decisions no matter what the consequences. So as this voting season comes into full swing this year, figure out what side of the fence you are on and vote. Because I am one that makes a difference every time I vote. And so are you.

The prime example that I saw that made me believe this whole campaign for voting was right...the Iowa caucus. 8 People made a difference. What if you were one of those 9 last votes counted???....you were the one who made the difference in the outcome.

Take the test if you want and see what kind of voter you are here:

http://www.politicalcompass.org/

You never know, you could just surprise yourself on who you really are...then get ready to vote because if you have the right to vote and you don't it is what I consider un-American.

Last primary I was un-American by my standards as I didn't vote because my pickings were slim as far as I was concerned. But like my dad says, if you didn't vote then you can't bitch because you did nothing about it.

Now I am bitching because I plan on doing something about it! So moral of this rant is...you can't bitch if you don't vote. So figure out who you are and vote away my friends. That is your right as a United States American Citizen.

So exercise your right to tell everyone else to shut the hell up because if they don't like it then they can get their butt to the voting booth just like everyone else who voted did. This year I am gonna do just that.

Oh and just so that we are clear. I love all of my friend's equally regardless of their political beliefs so if you try to turn this political crap around on me just know I will tell you to piss off but that still I love you. I never discuss politics with my friends for this very reason.

The end.

Smile.

One of my favorite songs on this planet is one sang by Natalie Cole. It is called simply that. Smile.

He says exactly that, he looks at me and says, "Darlin, give me a smile." Then when I do he says, "That's better."

Wish I could see and hear that exact memory everyday anytime I want. It has become my favorite part of my day. And I hope that one day, I can truly experience that whenever I want to.


Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
For you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear maybe ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile- what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worth while
If you just smile
Oh that's the time you must keep on trying

Smile what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worth while
If you just smile



The end.