Life is Hard.

Life is hard. Really hard. It's hard and scary and out of my control. That's the part that makes me the craziest - the fact that I cannot control the world or what happens to the people I love.

I have learned more in the last month about myself than I ever thought that I would. I have learned that no matter what I say or do I will never be looked at as someone who is nothing more than a child to some people in my life. Trust me when I tell you...that stings. Bad. I think that is why I keep failing at certain aspects in my life. Because the people I need to believe in me the most are always so skeptical of me.

Then I have learned that I love harder than anyone I know. Hard enough that whenever I think about the people that mean the most to me I want to break down inside. I long for that type of love one day. I think that even though I haven't lead the best life I still deserve for someone to love me the way I love. Which is hard. So far the only being that has been able to love me as hard as I love her is my dog. Weirdly so I think my dog loves me more than I love her if that is even possible. She would rather be touching me at any point in the day just to know that I am ok than just looking at me. She just wants to touch me because it gives her comfort. Like right now her head is literally buried between my thigh and the pillows on my bed and she is passed out. But she will sleep like this all night...even if just the tip of her ear is touching me she is still connected to me.

I have learned that I can let go of people. I don't need someone in my life that is a negative person. I'm good with that.

I have learned that everything happens for a reason. I mean everything. Especially the things that we as people would naturally view as crappy. I mean I am not sure if I believe in God. I never have been one that believes easily but I will say this...there has got to be a method to this madness. There is no way that we are supposed to fall on our faces this many times and still be able to get up.

I have also learned that considering what I have been through and experienced I am what I would consider an extremely lucky girl.

I am happy, I have a great family and I have amazing friends. I am just all around thankful for the people I have in my life.

Life is hard. Really hard. I'm just trying to not fall on my face anymore than necessary at this point.


The end.